AOL

Ah, the Internet. Where would we be without it? Well not here, that’s for sure. But we are with it and, to quote a comic character that I never quite got, “It’s Brilliant!” Videos of He-man, dancing badgers, and Parsons Watch: surely one of the greatest “inventions” of the past twenty odd years. I guess we’ll have to wait for Jimmy Carr to confirm that for us.

But wait, is it really that good? A new, long advertisement would beg to differ. “I’m not liking this internet malarkey.” it says, “It is just a tool of the state to control our minds and watch our every move. Thieves are using it every minute of every day to steal your money, your identity and your collection of 52 Devon landmark bookmarks. Bullies are handing out cyber-wedgies to the e-youth. No, better off without it, don’t you think?”

Who would advertise in this way? The Royal Mail, perchance? High Street stores? Perhaps the purveyors of inky fanzines? No, no and no.

This advertisement is for AOL, an Internet service provider.

Hmmm, I’m obviously missing something here, but the advert made me want to use the Internet less. Well, not that much less, but it hardly sold it to me. Analogous advertising tactics would be for CheeseStrings to come out and say “It’s just rubber, really. It will take your child 20 years to digest it. Sure it saves having to make sandwiches, but is it really worth it?” or for the makers of SUVs saying “Come, ladies of Chelsea, your 4-ton metallic hulk may look good all polished up, but considering it requires its refinery to run, how about giving it up so that Tarquinian, Prickles and Cymbeline have some environment of their own to exploit when their older?”

I can think of two explanations for advertising in this apparently self-defeating way way. 1) AOL is going bankrupt and therefore aims to take the rest of the Internet down with it. Well, the royal we at SYi2 are on to them and won’t let it happen. 2) They’re using the old Big Brother tactic of creating irrational fear to make us buy their Internet security. Oh, how ironic!

On a different note, I figured out yesterday how wooden clothes pegs are meant to work. Ingenious.