Nestle Cereal

Tonight I shall be ranting.

**Breathes In**

The absolute worst thing about the information revolution thing, what with the Internet and mobile phones and such-like, is that the Man decided our opinion mattered. Or at least, he could make us think it mattered. Hence it is now impossible to watch anything "live" without the word interactive rearing its head and spitting numbers and email addresses over the TV screen and radio airwaves. If I had managed to keep much hair into the new century I would have torn it out, burnt it and sent the ashes in to Terry Wogan's Points of View. I'm not sure what my point would have been by doing this, but I would surely have made it.

It's been going on for a few years now and is ingrained into every tract of broadcast material. Radio shows read out the most inane and tedious of anecdotes that even the sender's own family wouldn't want to hear. Five now does something called Your News. (Warning! The following sentence contains the excessive use of quote marks in a way some readers may find annoying) This involves members of the public "covering" "stories" of "interest" about their own insignificant world. About mobile phone masts and bus routes and corner shops. Well here's a headline for Natasha Ker-Ching-sky (I made that up and no-one else can use it without first acknowledging that fact): Man from Crediton Doesn't Care.

The one place where you could usually get some solace was during the adverts. Because these are over-engineered to the 19th degree, people in them aren't real. They are zero-dimensional. That's why when a stuffed monkey or small robot comes along they are considered quite deep characters.

Take the Muller lid lickers. If for one moment I thought they were real people, then from the moment the guy struggles out "Do you lick the lid of life?" with what must surely be among his final breaths, I would be found down at the Post Office trying to trace my envelope of burnt hair so I could redirect it to the French gone-off-milk factory HQ.

The Kleenex advert is another abomination that is too ridiculous to be considered true. Man with sofa makes members of the public cry. What the hell is he asking them? What kind of man would do this? What kind of company would employ a man to do this, and then advertise the fact they did it to sell their product?

The final example of stupid stupid stupid public involved advertising is in the Nestle cereal spots. This advert brings together not one, not two but three (yes, three) of the most annoying things in the world today to advertise their product. These are:

1. Using a sentence with the words "experts say" in it. Scientists are never more happy then when proving other scientists wrong. If you want to find one to support your theory, just ring a few up and say something along the lines of "Well Dr. Kronsky said wholegrain is definitely unnecessary". Next thing you know, you'll have some experts saying that it isn't pointless and is needed. You've just got yourself scientific ratification! Yipee!

2. Another thing about scientists, especially ones involved with nutrition, is that they like games. They like Simon Says. "Simon Says... eat 5 fruit a day". "Simon Says... drink a pint of beer". "Eat five different coloured fruit". "Haha - got you". They're always trying to catch us out - they're just so damn pesky.And the 5-a-day thing worked so well, everyone wants to turn it onto their product: "Crisps - a great source of your 6 a day" "Tiser - one of your four-a-day" "Cheesestrings - your complete one a day". Do we need 3 wholegrain portions a day? Is that how we put men on the moon, traversed the Antarctic and made it through the Credi-Ten? I guess so.

3. Using members of the public. For some reason, and I can only think this is because of the need to allow the people to have their say, Nestle ask members of the public what they think about... I don't know ... their aim to give people a source of wholegrain (???). The advert is unclear. A bald man, with a gut, says in a strong accent "Oh, I think it is great, I really do". He is not an advert for healthy eating. He is dressed badly. He probably smells slightly. Most of all I have no doubt he knows nothing about what is right for me to be eating. But here he is, given a sentence during prime-time TV shows, as if his opinion matters. It Doesn't. It DOESN'T. IT DOESN'T.

**At this point, Gary was dragged off and shown 3mins 15 seconds from Love Actually. His head exploded**