The Onion

Over the past 10 years, Grand Theft Auto has been the only computer game I've had more than a passing interest in. And The Onion is just great. Hence I really enjoyed this article.

Sandford Music Festival

Saturday night I missed the European Song Contest for the first time in probably 10 years. (As an aside, if we want to win it again, why don't we let ITV do the coverage, fronted by Ant and Dec? I'm sure they could arrange the necessary phone vote result). It was time that I took a break. I've come to realise that it is not natural, and probably not good for my health.

Fortunately for me I ventured out to the Sandford music festival, which was of a really high quality. In particular was this guy Kit Hawes, who unfortunately has little decent video on youtube, but what there is conveys a little of how good he was/is. I'd advise trying these: Video 1 Video 2.

Now normally I dismiss those both younger and more talented than me surprisingly easily, but Kit was incredible - I admit I was slightly inebriated, but I swear his fingers were moving quicker than the refresh rate of my eyes. (Eeew - IT metaphor...)

A highlight had to be a rendition of Bach's cello concerto during which he detuned his E-string AS HE WAS FREAKING PLAYING. If I had been wearing a hat (and I feel that I should do more often), I would have taken it off to him.

Other fine performances were seen of a lovely Irish woman called Sarah McQuaid and a band called the Swamp Gods  or something that were like the Talking Heads mixed with the Velvets and Stooges. "Social Leper" was a particularly catchy number.

Nestle Cereal

Tonight I shall be ranting.

**Breathes In**

The absolute worst thing about the information revolution thing, what with the Internet and mobile phones and such-like, is that the Man decided our opinion mattered. Or at least, he could make us think it mattered. Hence it is now impossible to watch anything "live" without the word interactive rearing its head and spitting numbers and email addresses over the TV screen and radio airwaves. If I had managed to keep much hair into the new century I would have torn it out, burnt it and sent the ashes in to Terry Wogan's Points of View. I'm not sure what my point would have been by doing this, but I would surely have made it.

It's been going on for a few years now and is ingrained into every tract of broadcast material. Radio shows read out the most inane and tedious of anecdotes that even the sender's own family wouldn't want to hear. Five now does something called Your News. (Warning! The following sentence contains the excessive use of quote marks in a way some readers may find annoying) This involves members of the public "covering" "stories" of "interest" about their own insignificant world. About mobile phone masts and bus routes and corner shops. Well here's a headline for Natasha Ker-Ching-sky (I made that up and no-one else can use it without first acknowledging that fact): Man from Crediton Doesn't Care.

The one place where you could usually get some solace was during the adverts. Because these are over-engineered to the 19th degree, people in them aren't real. They are zero-dimensional. That's why when a stuffed monkey or small robot comes along they are considered quite deep characters.

Take the Muller lid lickers. If for one moment I thought they were real people, then from the moment the guy struggles out "Do you lick the lid of life?" with what must surely be among his final breaths, I would be found down at the Post Office trying to trace my envelope of burnt hair so I could redirect it to the French gone-off-milk factory HQ.

The Kleenex advert is another abomination that is too ridiculous to be considered true. Man with sofa makes members of the public cry. What the hell is he asking them? What kind of man would do this? What kind of company would employ a man to do this, and then advertise the fact they did it to sell their product?

The final example of stupid stupid stupid public involved advertising is in the Nestle cereal spots. This advert brings together not one, not two but three (yes, three) of the most annoying things in the world today to advertise their product. These are:

1. Using a sentence with the words "experts say" in it. Scientists are never more happy then when proving other scientists wrong. If you want to find one to support your theory, just ring a few up and say something along the lines of "Well Dr. Kronsky said wholegrain is definitely unnecessary". Next thing you know, you'll have some experts saying that it isn't pointless and is needed. You've just got yourself scientific ratification! Yipee!

2. Another thing about scientists, especially ones involved with nutrition, is that they like games. They like Simon Says. "Simon Says... eat 5 fruit a day". "Simon Says... drink a pint of beer". "Eat five different coloured fruit". "Haha - got you". They're always trying to catch us out - they're just so damn pesky.And the 5-a-day thing worked so well, everyone wants to turn it onto their product: "Crisps - a great source of your 6 a day" "Tiser - one of your four-a-day" "Cheesestrings - your complete one a day". Do we need 3 wholegrain portions a day? Is that how we put men on the moon, traversed the Antarctic and made it through the Credi-Ten? I guess so.

3. Using members of the public. For some reason, and I can only think this is because of the need to allow the people to have their say, Nestle ask members of the public what they think about... I don't know ... their aim to give people a source of wholegrain (???). The advert is unclear. A bald man, with a gut, says in a strong accent "Oh, I think it is great, I really do". He is not an advert for healthy eating. He is dressed badly. He probably smells slightly. Most of all I have no doubt he knows nothing about what is right for me to be eating. But here he is, given a sentence during prime-time TV shows, as if his opinion matters. It Doesn't. It DOESN'T. IT DOESN'T.

**At this point, Gary was dragged off and shown 3mins 15 seconds from Love Actually. His head exploded**

Free Newspapers

This blog has become a bit like Quentin Tarantino films. Less and less frequent, with each one appearing to be more obviously a rehash of someone else's work, and more often than not itself. Sure there's always been violence, but now it appears to be a substitute for the intelligent writing that created all the fuss in the first place. Exactly like this blog.

But now I have a new laptop. In my lounge. This turn of events has already shown itself to be a dangerous situation.

Ebay is no longer a trip up the stairs. You no longer are accused of being anti-social by shopping for three hours in a distant room on Amazon. And those moments when you think "I'll look that up on the Internet" no longer drift harmlessly off into the ether, but can materialise into real purchases from the comfort of your Ikea sofa. Hence my current obsession with watches that you can't really tell the time on: TokyoFlash.

To aid in the fight against possible financial ruin, I've returned to my old blogging ground, with the hope of keeping my busy hands, er, busy.

In the time between my last post in August and now, much has happened. Much has been baby related. Alas, I don't care for baby blogs, so there isn't much there in the way of material for SYi2. Out of the past 20 weeks, the least baby of them was my 5-day course in London. There were highlights (meeting uni friends I hadn't seen in 6 years; catching up with San Fran ex-pats; learning about the joys of VBScript, ADSI and WMI), but undoubtedly the best bit was rediscovering that the Spanish for "Do Not Disturb" is "No Moleste". Ho Ho Ho.

The thing that stood out most about this trip to London though was the number of free newspapers. They carpet the streets. At the end of the day they sit bundled in corners and doorways like hunched homeless. Distributors stand outside tube stations, thrusting them into your midriff like quarterbacks off-loading to a backfield rusher (NFL references anyone?).

But you know all this. That was 3-months ago and for all I know they've been replaced with free podcasts downloaded straight into your brain. I just wanted to get in the "No Moleste" door sign and link it to the thing I was actually going to blog about.

For we get a free newspaper in Crediton, the Mid Devon Star. To call it a newspaper is maybe pushing the definition slightly. It is more of a wrapper for a big wad of advertising pamphlets. The paper itself is more advertising. It's a bit like if QVC started putting out 5min news bulletins every 20mins or so. However, it is a newspaper, so it does contain articles that at least attempt to contain some element of news.

As it is published weekly, you might think that it would be able to find something of interest to write about in the 40mile area from Crediton to Tiverton to Honiton. However they fail. Rather than having a number of stories from which they choose the most pertinent and interesting, the MDS appears to only ever have stories relating to minor crime or planning.

Take today's edition. The front-page consists of four stories: CCTV being installed at a primary school, police in Tiverton getting a new speed-gun and the Mid Devon Council's new website publishing planning details on play areas and road works. Another page to add to my daily checked favourites.

The final frontpage story related to Crediton. But not any old part of Crediton, but my part. The toilets by the War Memorial opposite:

Public Loos Fire

Two fire crews were called out to extinguish a fire in the public toilets in union Road, Crediton, on Monday night. The crews arrived just before 8pm and extinguished a small fire involving a toilet roll.

It's not a big write-up, and I think that the MDS might have missed the bigger picture. How much does it cost to callout two fire-engines? I'm thinking the fire could have been quenched with a small extinguisher or maybe a damp tea-towel. Perhaps an interesting discussion could be drawn, what with the threats of cuts to fire services.

In fact there are four more fire related stories including blazes in a Clothes Bank (the big page 3 story) and a fire in a microwave. And that's kind of weird because until tonight I hadn't ever read a single page of the paper, but had used it regularly as a fire-lighter. And there's a kind of warming irony in that.