December 18th - Advent Window 18

No window yesterday, and stink of failure has infiltrated SYi2. But I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

For today's window we're going to have an award for the worst music list of the year. It was close run thing, with Q magazine pushing hard with their top ten headed by the dull, dull dull Coldplay. In a great year for music, the only people think that X+Y is the best album of the year are those who have only bought that one, KT Tunstall and James Blunt.

However, the award goes to the Observer's Music Monthly magazine. The problem with the list is that it's the top 100 albums of the year (Read it for yourself here). What's the point? Why not have a top 20 and then list other albums of note? By rating all 100, you're just going to be so very very wrong. Like putting Robbie at 37 and Bright Eyes at 46. Wrong. Or including Goldie Looking Chain (90) but not mentioning the Super Furries, The National or Wolf Parade. Double Wrong. The no.1 isn't too bad (Anthony and the Johnsons), but how can any list rate Oasis (16) 29 places higher than Bloc Party and 46 places higher than the Kaiser Chiefs. Strike 3. I could go on and on and on.

So, although the Q list was very wrong in it's no.1, the sheer size of the Observer list opens itself up to an almost infinite points of wrongness, and therefore wins the 2005 SYi2 award for "Worst Music List of the Year".

This is how a top album list should be done.

December 16th - Advent Window 16

I went late night shopping yesterday evening, and very nice it was too. This year I have had an excellent lead into Christmas, and I was beginning to feel slightly festive, which, when you don't have children (or are not one yourself) is not always that easy. And after subjecting myself to TMF's 40 ultimate classic Christmas hits yesterday (Which was wrong - no Shakin' Stevens in the top 20, but the Darkness @ no. 2 - I sincerely hope someone is joking), I was really starting to get into the spirit.

But that has been blown out of the water today.

Today is my last day in uni. Whilst working at home next week I was looking forward to enjoying some Christmas movies. But wait, a search of the Radio Times tells me that "Mary Poppins" doesn't appear anywhere in the listings over the next 14 days. Ok ok, what about "It's a Wonderful Life". Nowhere. What the freak. Surely the definitive version of Charles Dickens's "Christmas Carol" by the Muppets will be somewhere.

Not even on Channel 5.

I don't want to watch Bridget Jones, The Grinch or Barney's Christmas Cracker. They're crap. Screw "Mrs Santa Claus", give me Poppins, Goddammit. Surely there's some kind of law that covers this kind of thing - it should at least be in the BBC's charter.

I'm going to play 3d Santa for half an hour whilst listening to Shaky and try to restore my feelings of Goodwill to all men.

December 15th - Advent Window 15

Ah crap. I have nothing to offer today, um... (searches around for anything at all christmassy)... ah ha, a picture of a CGI santa, that'll do.

December 14th - Advent Window 14

OK, so blogging from home isn't as good as blogging from uni. Not only do I have less time to "research" (ha) my posts (hence Parsons Watch, Cartoon of the Week, etc. will be on holiday until early January), but I've got so much other stuff to do at home. Like make bad cover versions of 60s and 70s rock songs. And now that I've finally come to be able to listen to my own voice singing without cringing so much that my back spasms, that's going be taking up my free time over yuletide.

Hmm, I'm rambling, which usually means that I'm actually posting freestyle, which is dangerous. I do have something to say, which is a big Happy Birthday to me mum, who is 50 today. I've got to go and blow up balloons and wrap a gift and the like (I'm not sure which I dislike the most), so I've drafted in a special guest to say happy birthday - everyone, it's Kenneth John Parsons, Hoorah!



Sadly, there's no time to play Ken's "Cryptic Zoom Tomb", although I am gonna work on a cover of it - in a Dylan stylee - real soon.

December13th - Adent Window 15

Another game, and again it's santa racing. I understand that the last one was quite difficult, especially if you don't have the inclination to devote x hours to mastering it.

However, if anyone can be varifiably beat my time on this game of about 39.7 seconds, they will receive a "I'm better than Gary posting".

Adventures in the Sandford Quiz - No. 4

Hoorah, another week, another victory. However, some might say that our victory by 1 1/2 points was kind of hollow because we collected 3 points for answers that were wrong. Not me though. Woohoo - £41 in the curry night pot.

A few awards:

* The Mr A "Are You Sure?" award - Mr A for his answer "Ich Bein" to what is wrote on the George Cross. We felt it would be strange that the German words for "I leg"* would be used on an award given to civilians who displayed bravery during the blitz, but Mr A. was so certain, it was hard to argue otherwise. The right answer was "For Gallantry".

* The Over Generous Marker Award The guys marking our paper, as previously mentioned. Answers they gave us marks for included "Glove" when the right one was "A dive", "Bill Turnball" when the correct answer was "Christopher Meyer" (we actually spotted this one and deducted it) and "a web" for a "ball of venomous material". Cheers lads.

The final quiz is next sunday, a Christmas special. Can we break £50?


* In his defence, Mr A might have been thinking of Ich Dien, which means I Serve

December 12th - Advent Window 12

Another Cartoon of the Week vs. Chrimbo.



Ha ha, a baby with a beard. Crazy.

December 11th - Advent Window 11

A neat little game here where you have to race santa around a track.

December 10th - Advent Window Number 10

I've realised I've been doing the dates all Americanified, as in "It's December 10th, here is the news" as opposed to (adopts BBC newsreader voice) "Today is the 10th of December. In other news, BBC Breakfast grinds to halt as the email and texting services collapse." Oh well, I've started now.

There are few things I enjoy more than googling my own name. However, one other pastime is thinking up a name and then seeing how many ex-colonial countries have a town sharing that name. It's not a great game, true. However, I thought I should check out the whereabouts of Christmas, USA, and sure enough, there it was down in Florida:



Christmas, Florida is home to the worlds largest non-organic alligator. Non-organic. I'm guessing therefore, he/she has been genetically modified into some kind of super-alligator.

And I was right. The alligator, affectionally known as ALG-1689, has been on a programme of steroids, cheap Somerfield Cola and red Jolly Ranchers. This potent combination has caused an unprecendated growth spurt, as demonstrated in this picture:



Apparently ALG-1689 would have ate Chris Martin, but had just eaten an Apple.

December 9th - Advent Window No. 9

So far the advent windows have focussed on some pretty dire stuff - dogs in Santa suits, cats in baubles, denim & wooly jumper combos. So today I'm going to provide a little culture to try and raise the standard around here - a nice advent calendar from the Tate to be found here, and from which we take an image.



Apparently it's the "Untitled (rooms)" sculpture by Rachel Whitebread. Most probably have to be there.

December 8th - Advent Window No. 8

It never gets that cold down here in the South West - we get the odd cold snap around the zero mark, but most of the time we hover around a mildish 5 to 10 degrees.

This creates problems for the likes of me who enjoy their winter fashion.

It is never cold enough long enough for me to wear both my really thick wooly off-white jumper underneath my denim waistcoat. Man, in no time at all I'm cooking under all those layers. However, fear not, for at last M & M Sports have come up with the perfect solution.



Yes! It's a denim waistcoat with the sleeves and collar of a nice warm jumper sown onto it. Hey, it's even got a bit of jumper at the bottom to complete the illusion. Now I can look rubbish no matter how mild the winter day - if only I hadn't sent off my Christmas list so damn early.

December 7th - Advent Window No. 7

Wow, a week of advent has almost passed. To celebrate, today we have a clipping from the mighty local rag "The Crediton Country Courier". This photo is from the "Christmas in Crediton" section, where local shop A.E.Lee suggest hankerchiefs (buy 4 @ 20p get the 5th free) as the perfect Christmas gift. Apologies for the poor picture quality.



Note how the Courier has chosen to spell the surname Brooking. "Is that with 7 i's, Sir, or just the 6?"

At Least They Were A North European Culture - No. 1

Aaah, the Express and Echo letters page. Home to the maddest and baddest of Exeter's correspondents. To be honest, I've given up the letters page over the past few months, but felt that it was ripe for the picking in an occasional new series here on SYi2.

The inaugral prime cut comes from a letter (or most probably email) sent from the good ol' US of A. Ex-pat Nick Spicer writes in response to an E&E story about some judge who is going to clamp down on crime:

SUPPORT FOR THE JUDGE, FROM USA

I write regarding Judge ready to get tough, Echo, November 29. I left Exeter in 1966 to emigrate to the USA.

I would love to bring my family to see my home town, but the streets are no longer safe.

I applaud the judge's actions.

Nick J Spicer
Florida
United States of America

So Nick doesn't want to bring his family home becase "the streets are no longer safe". Um, now I have lived for a few years in Exeter, and I can't say I've ever felt particularly threatened - but maybe I've just been lucky and potential ruffians have been put off by my rugged physique and menacing looks. Let's get some cold hard figures in to see how much more dangerous the "mean streets" of Exeter are than peaceful "Trumpton" Florida.

Since 2003, Exeter has experienced 1 murder. Devon and Cornwall combined have had 43. Pretty rough. Florida, in the first 6-months of this year, has had 408, which is going to work out at about 1650 for the same time period. Even taking into account the differences in population, you're nearly 5 times more likely to be murdered in Florida than in Devon and Cornwall. And let's not even bother with armed robbery and violent assault.

Now it maybe unfair to use statistics to rubbish what is already a poor letter, but come on, the man's an idiot. He's just covering up for the fact that his kids are desperate to go to Crealy Park and he ain't willing to shell out the money to take them.

December 6th - Advent Window No. 6

December 5th - Advent Window No. 5

A bit of a combination posting today - Cartoon of the Week is absorbed into our 5th advent calender window.



The chemistry set is a great present, often dismissed by the uninterested child. However, if the child is willing to put in the time, it is possible to get some great explosive material. This I know from experience - when I was 10, my Gran gave me the present that most young boys who show any interest in anything at all sciency (I quite liked How2) get. Across the book of experiments, writ in large letters, was the warning "DO NOT MIX ALL CHEMICALS TOGETHER". I realised that if I was going to be any kind of scientist, I could not accept this as a given and had to gather some verifiable experimental evidence.

Basically what happened was, when put in a test tube of hot water and shook vigourously, the chemicals exploded. The cork top flew into my parents ceiling where it put a dent into the artex (still viewable). The bottom of the test tube was also blown out, allowing the acid-like fluid to not only stain my parent's carpet, but also dissolve sections of it. It was great.

However, like George in the Marvellous Medicine books, I could never repeat my experiment again with the same results. (Obviously I employed an assistant researcher, my brother, to do the holding and shaking of future test tubes.)

December 4th - Advent Window No. 4

Christmas is indeed coming - I saw the Coca Cola advert with all the lorries for the first time this morning, which is a sure sign. It's like hearing the first cuckoo of spring, if cuckoos were a large multi-national company that advertise using a large fleet of articulated vehicles.

Hmm, although the sun is shinging for the first time in a few days (crikey did it rain yesterday) and my mood is good, I'm feeling a bit of Scroogish moment coming on.


Personally, I think that people who own such ugly, ugly, ugly displays (more of which can be found here) should be made to sell all but three items of external light equipment and forced to donate the proceeds plus the money they save on their electricity bill to a good cause.

That feels better.

December 3rd - Advent Window No. 3

Enough of pet pictures. Here's a picture of an island.



Obviously it is Christmas Island. And here is a picture of a bomb being detonated about 10 miles south of the island in 1962.



The Brits and Americans tested quite a few bombs near the island, and even evacuated the natives for some of the tests (and put them in effective detention camps where a lot died), although some servicemen had to remain so that we could find out what effects radioactivity had on them (er, they became really ill). But at least we got our bombs.

Wait a minute, this isn't very Christmassy. Must make up for it tomorrow.

Parsons Watch - Episode 4

We start Parsons Watch this week with a brand new theme tune:

"Duh...Duh du du de duh duh...Bah Bah Baaah...Dum Bah Bah Bah...Do De Do...laaaa (dum didi dum) Laaaa (dum didi dum) LAAAAA (dedodedode do doooo)"

Tony Writes:
There are few things more fun than using the stick of hindisght to beat a hapless hack. Cast your mind back to the start of November: Charles and Camilla were on their tour of the States. Response to the Royal couple from the Americans was hardly overwhelming, I think that it is agreed. This may have dismayed the Duchess of Cornwall, especially if she had caught Tony's column of the same week. "Camilla Parker Bowles [will become] bigger than Catherine Zeta-Jones over there" he cried. Ooh, what insight.


Parsons of the Week:

A wintery Parsons of the week as we meet the unmistakable Kristen Parsons (on the right, wearing her coat of many wolves). You are most probably asking yourself "Where have I seen that face before?"

That's right, Kristen won "Miss Teen Newfoundland and Labrador 2002". (I was going to insert a dog joke here, but that would be derogatory, cruel and unfair, and totally against the high standards I require of Parsons Watch). And anyway, none of my half-baked remarks could compete with the image of Kristen and fellow winner Lori posing with a, er... well, whatever that guy is meant to be dressed up as. (Surely it can't be that?)

***Parsons in Music***

So far in our Parsons supergroup we have Gram (guitar and vocals) and Alan (producer). Our next addition is none other than Mr Gene Parsons, drummer with The Byrds.



Although Gene's musical credentials are enough alone to get him into the supergroup, I think we'd all be lying if we didn't say that it is his moustache that really cements his position on the skins.

Although best known for his drumming, Gene has a strong interest in all of the country music instruments. As well as the banjo, he is also considering learning the Bluegrass Mandolin and maybe even how to fiddle.

Parsons Word Fact: I once spelt Parsons wrong in an A-Level maths test, substituting the second S for an O. The teacher deducted a mark from me, thus depriving me of a rare test-victory over my arch-rival, Conrad Dowding.

December 2nd - Advent Window No. 2

I started off this week with a pretty low opinon of cats. I think that, if I were forced to say, I would definitely have classed myself as more of a dog person. However, after finding today's Christmas images, I'm not so sure.





How can I possibly stick up for dogs when they show so little pride in themselves. I mean, come on, you're a frickin' alsation, yet you're wearing a Santa outfit. Better put some dignity on your Christmas doggy list.

I can't imagine a cat would ever allow itself to be abused by it's owner such, and thus I grudgingly admit respect for the feline and a rise in my opinon of them.

Little Britain, Peep Show and Neighbours

So another episode of Little Britain tonight. I saw the second (??) episode last week and was shocked - not in a Outraged from Tunbridge Wells kind of way - but at how unfunny it was. Nothing made me laugh. Not even a snigger. The whole show seemed barren of ideas.

Now there seems to be a myth - started by Fawlty Towers and carried on by Ricky Gervais - that classic comedies should only last a couple of series, and a few LB apologists have been saying that maybe the third series is too far. I think this is rubbish, and was glad to hear in a Simon Mayo interview last week that David Mitchell and Robert Webb agree. David and Robert are obviously from the excellent Peep Show, which is also in its third series and, in my opinion is as strong as ever.

Basically, to paraphrase David, if you're any kind of comedy writer and you have a great idea, you should be able to get a load of mileage out of it, not just 12 amusing situations. Look at the US shows, for Chrissakes. And don't go on about big teams of writers, cos I don't care. And so the good news is that Peep Show looks like it could be running for a while yet. In addition, David and Robert are recording the pilot for the transition of their sketch show from radio to television, which is also something to keep an eye on.

When I was mentioning my dislike for the current series of Little Britain, a friend said it was most probably because I found it offensive. This is of course rubbish - although I am considered the "prudish one" amongst my dad's side of the family. I think this arose from me dissenting a Jethro video once. Now if that's prudish, then stick a white wig on my head and call me Mary.

However, one thing that I have been finding offensively over the past few months is Neighbours.

Yes, I watch Neighbours. It's on at the right time for when I get back from uni, and... wait, I don't have to justify why I watch it, I just do. Over the past few months, maybe even a year (time is hard to measure in Neighbours) the older women have broken up from their respective spouses and started finding new love. Fine - a not unheard story development in the world of soap operas.

What I do object to is the footage of the old couples (and I put anyone above the age of 40ish into this category) kissing. Lin Scully and Jo Mangle. Susan Kennedy and Max's dad. Lin and Max's dad. The big blonde one and Max's dad. Susan and her new old bloke. Lil and David. Lil and Paul. Paul and Izzy. I think Lou was even shown kissing someone, but thankfully I've blanked it out. To use an outdated US teen saying, EEEeeeww.

It's horrible, and I'm usually eating my tea/dinner/supper (delete according to regionality) when it's on, and it's pretty deappetising, I can tell you. Can't they just pan away to a fluttering cutain or a lava lamp or the like? I feel a letter to PoV coming on...

December 1st - Advent Window No. 1

Day 1 of the Christmas countdown, which gives me an excellent excuse to milk the festive period for some cheap and easy postings - and surely that is what Christmas is all about, no?

So we start our blog-advent-calender with a simple image, and a link to a whole website worth if it's your kind of thing.



Kinda topical, what with my earlier posts this week. One of these cats is called Katmanblu (a fine name for a cat) and you can see more of him at Digitalpetpix. Believe me , this ain't the freakiest picture - a lot of them seem to merge the idea of Christmas, cats (obviously) and the not so traditional setting of a beach. You might think that this is yet another obsessive lover of the cat, although it is questionable when you see the decidedly violent animations involving Katmanblu and friend under the animations tab.

Advent Calender

A load of Christmas related rubbish, dredged from the internet, the Crediton Country Courier and a clothes catalogue.

• Window 12
• Window 11
• Window 10
• Window 9
• Window 8
• Window 7
• Window 6
• Window 5
• Window 4
• Window 3
• Window 2
• Window 1

Adventures in the Sandford Quiz - No. 3

This week we didn't make it to the quiz. Our Sandford friends AA and CP were otherwise engaged in the Lake District, and I was too knackered to do any form of brain wracking. Therefore, our total remains at £26 with perhaps only 1 quiz (plus a potential Christmas special) to boost the curry fund.

Sweet Jesus, was I tired Sunday evening - so much so I could not stay awake to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm on More4. (CYE is one of only three shows that I refuse to miss an episode of. The bit with Larry in the car calling David Schwimmers dad is making me chuckle as I type. This would really annoy Helen if she was here because it appears that I am laughing at nothing. The other two programmes I never miss are HIGNFY and Monday Night Football (i.e. Gridiron) which I video and then watch over the following nights of the week. This too annoys Helen, and may be part of the reason I do it.)

The root of my tiredness was two late nights sandwiching a day Christmas shopping (talking of Christmas, get ready for a special treat through the month of December right here on SYi2!). Friday night was superb - a few pints of home brew (of the delayed drunken effect type) followed by an excellent late night horror movie and a portion of a bottle of Whisky. Perfect. Then I was up early to get into Exeter.

However, during my truncated sleep, I found myself dreaming constantly of Coca Cola, and when I woke I was desperate for some. This is not the first time that coke have used my slightly-drunken slumber to advertise their drink to me. As always the advertising worked and I drank a couple of litres whilst shopping. This amount of sugar placed me in a strange mood where I walked around Exeter trying to convince Helen I was having imaginary phone conversations and using my scarf to pretend I was Seth Conway from Westcountry news interviewing her.

Saturday night involved the cat incident, but I slept ok and I would have been alright had I not agreed to mounting a mirror on the bedroom wall late Sunday afternoon. Why oh why do I try to do DIY at times when I'm least suited to using power tools? Suffice to say I've decided there is no need to mount the mirror to the wall and I've left some holes for Helen to fill.

Anyhow, that's enough of this rambling - well done if you made it to the end. Hopefully AinSQ will return in a fortnight.

Cartoon of the Week - No. 5

Hoorah, so I'm back in Exeter with a delayed edition of Cartoon of the Week.

Today an excerpt from Get Fuzzy, a superb cartoon that takes the Garfield scenario (man talking to cat and dog), updates it and makes it good.



I like a lot of things about the Get Fuzzy strip, which no doubt will come up in future cartoons of the week, but central to it has to be Bucky, the mean-spirited cat.

I am not a cat person, which derives from the fact that a lot of cats don't seem to be a Gary person. From a young age when a friend's cat purposely climbed a high set of curtains to jump on my young head, to the resident uni cat attacking my flapping jean trouser legs, they seem to have something against me. Even when I try to be nice to a cat, it's only a short while before they take my good-natured stroking and throw it back in my face. Or dig their claws into my arm.

An example. Saturday night Helen and I visited our good friends James and Emma in Torquay (that is three Jameses I know that really like cats...hmmmm). James's cat was all friendly pre-pub, purring and the like. On our return from a particularly cold Torquay night out, the cat moved around looking for attention. Next thing I know, the little beggar (as my Grandad refers to the feline) had bitten my thumb. Luckily I had prepared myself for such an eventuality by drinking a few beers, thus dulling the pain, although it equally reduced my reaction time.

It was agreed I had done nothing to instigate the cat attack (or cattack, as I've never called it before), so the only conclusion is that cats are the manifestation of all that is evil, whilst I am goodness, personified in human form. Therefore, the cat and I must remain mortal enemies. That, or I smell of Whiskas.

Category: Cartoon

Quick

A very quick post, created on someone else's computer at a company I'm visiting today. I've not missed a post on a weekday yet and I'm not going to let being in Gloucester stop me!

Parsons Watch - Episode 3

Hello and welcome to Parsons Watch.

Tony Writes:


Eek. I knew Tony's column was bad - that's the whole reason I keep an eye on it - but this week is a particularly poor one. Let's see what he's been up to.
- Oh dear. This week Tony presents an argument for the reinstatement of the death penalty. It is maybe the worst written pieces of comment I've seen for a long while.
- He launches an attack on Newsnight Review - a programme that he's been on "100 times". Er, I'm guessing that they've not asked him to do it again?
- He states Madonna's not sexy.

Parsons of the Week:
A special Parsons of the week as we meet our first Gary Parsons. Gary is an associate librarian at Florida Atlantic University. Among Gary's interests are the uses of computers in libraries, alternative energies, librarians, and librarianship. Gary graduated with a masters in Library Science.

You could say he sleeps, breathes and eats libraries, but you would be wrong - he also enjoys water sports, so there.

***Parsons in Music***



Allow me to introduce you to Kenneth John Parsons, A.K.A. Inexplicata Music. With his music, Ken aims to explore the paranormal. Through tracks such as "Womb Tomb", "Kosmik Kalypso" and "Deep Marine Space Dive", Inexplicata will place you in an Altered State of Mind where you may even happen upon an OBE - Out of Body Experience. So why not order up a copy of "The Hyades Electro-Suite" direct from Ken.

Alternatively you could buy a Casio keyboard, set it to voice number 72 "Ghost Strings" and hold down various notes for a few hours whilst trying to grow a beard. I know I do.

Parsons Word Fact: A common vegetable based nickname for a person with the surname Parsons is Parsnip.

The Sights of Exeter

Just enjoyed a lunch with my brother in town. Walking to the St George's Meeting House (where, by the way, they were interviewing people about the 24-hour licencing - yawn) I saw a girl with a rabbit on a lead. She was taking her rabbit for a walk in the middle of Exeter city centre like it was a dog. Crazy.

I now know why people have camaras on their mobiles.

Tron

For me, the best thing about Science Fiction is not the books and films, of which I have only a passing interest, but rather the fans of the genre. They'll queue in sub-zero conditions to watch incredibly average movies, write God-awful fan-fiction or spend hours searching ebay for episodes of BattleEarth Enterprise on Betamax.

However, the real cream of the crop are those that take it a little bit further.

Take the fans of the movie Tron. Tron is a very, very strange movie and one that I never really understood. This is largely due to me only ever seeing the second half of it, but still, I think that it is agreed that it is a little "out-there". One defining aspect of the movie is the suits worn by Jeff "The Dude" Bridges et al., so it would only be expected that the true Tron-fan would want to recreate the attire so that he/she can impress fellow Tronites at conventions and the like.

Enter Jay Maynard.


Jay found to his dismay that Tron suits were not made to fit his, er, physique, so he set about making his own. This manufacturing process is documented in all of its dubious glory on his website, Tron Guy. Even now, a year after I first happened on the site, it still makes me laugh, although due to the nature of the costume, and Jay's, er, physique, just be warned before you venture into his world.
Category:Film

Sarah Jessica Parker's Lovely

Everything about the new Sarah Jessica Perfume advert annoys me.

Firstly the name, Lovely, is rubbish. Really rubbish. It's self-promotion so that people who talk about the perfume will automatically make the connection between SJP and all things good, wholesome and sweet. Yuk. And even if this isn't the plan, which it is, calling something Lovely is just lazy and will create no end of problems, thus:

Man (Smelling air around female companion): What are you wearing, it's lovely?
Woman: Yeah, it is.
Man: So what is it?
Woman: Lovely.
Man: I know it is. But what is the perfume?
Woman: It is Lovely.
Man: Yes. But what is it?
Woman: You're dumped.

Etc etc.

Secondly, the advert uses SJP's face. Something that has bugged me for a long time was a conversation, no, argument, I had in a pub when I was an undergraduate. 4 girls took extreme offence to me refering to SJP as a bit moose-like. "But she's beautiful" they screamed, "She's so gorgeous". "Men know nothing about what a good looking woman looks like." they admonished, firmly putting me in no doubt that I was as wrong for questioning the "looks" of SJP.

Now I'll admit that I have, in the past, made judgement on things that I'm not totally qualified to pass judgement on. However, I think that as a man I am in some position to judge the attractiveness of a female. And in SJPs case, she is definitely not what my dad would call a looker. The problem is, the advert accentuates her craggy face by trying to make her look attractive. She gurns in an attempt to look what I'm guessing is sultry, but comes across as being more suited to an advert for Syrup of Figs.

Apparently $20 million was spent on the marketing for this campaign. Wow.

Category:Advert

Dogtanian

I like pubs, and one that will always be remembered with fondness is Exeter University's Ram Bar. However, it does have one major drawback: it is full almost exclusively with students. Now students constitute some of the most annoying members of society, but what really gets me is that they consistently and relentlessly get younger and younger, serving as a reminder that I am indeed getting older and those days are slipping further behind me.

Now what really rubs it in is when you sit next to a group who are loudly reminiscing about what was around when they were young, which with the current group of first years was when I was approximately thirteen. Because this annoys me so much, I decided to try and keep nostalgia in my blog to a minimum. However, yesterday in Cartoon of the Week, I remembered the shows of my youth, and in particular Dogtanian. Like all people who have too much time on their hands, I googled the show and found a fan website dedicated to it.

After a quick listen to the theme tune and a view at some of the high fashion available:



I happened across a "Which character are you?" test. How could I resist? I always thought of myself as perhaps the dashing Aramis or even the noble Porthos. So I honestly fill out the questions (I'd only be cheating myself) and click the submit button.

And which dog character most matches my personality?

Juliette.



I've been called a lot of things by internet personality tests, but a female fox?? I've never thought of myself as a Pacino or De Niro, but I did think that perhaps my main traits might have been at least male. But I'm not worried, I'm secure in my masculinity. Now excuse me while I go listen to some Led Zepplin, check out some rugby scores and eat some pork scratchings.

Category:TV

Cartoon of the Week - No. 4

Doonesbury is one of the great American comic strips, using an excellent set of characters built up over thirty years. Although the best of Doonesbury is when the characters are involved with real world issues (the series with B.D. in Iraq has, in my opinion, provided some of the best commentary on the war), todays choice is a bit lighter.



This strip remainds me of wet summer days spent with my brother and a Spectrum. We'd get an early start at 7am, catching the end of an episode of Pole Position or Top Banana followed by Dogtanian and breakfast over the Racoons. Then select the game for the day and start the Spectrum loading. Watch some more t.v. and then when it had loaded, settle down for a day of solid football management. This would normally end in tears at about 6:30 in the evening when my brother would finally crack under the pressure of managing Exeter City and pull the plug from the wall. Once he screamed "What have I ever done to God? Why won't he let me get promoted?".

Nowadays I rarely play computer games, mainly for the reason that like Jeff in the above strip, I go into a stupor where I find it really difficult to talk to anyone outside of the game. This really annoys wives, who will find an increasing number of jobs to do that involve walking and indeed standing between tv and gamer. This then invariably esculates into a row in which I have no standing ("er, Yes I'm being lazy and I wasn't listening to you, but , like, I've only been playing for two hours while you um, cleaned the guttering, moved our mortgage and settled a boundary dispute between three sets of neighbours"). I find winning arguments hard enough as it is without giving my wife a large headstart, so my gaming days are more or less over.

Category: Cartoon

Getting Old?

Two random blogs I got sent to:

• http://soin-rox.blogspot.com/
• http://wan-cheng.blogspot.com/

I think they're in English, but they make my head hurt and my eyes start watering. Is this what kids are talking like nowadays? Crikey, I'm feeling older than my meagre 26-years.

The Flaming Lips

After the slight barracking I received from one quarter earlier this week for expressing an interest in the Strokes's new material, here is something that is hopefully a bit more palatable for certain people.

The excellent Flaming Lips have a planned new album called "At War with the Mystics" pencilled for release sometime around April next year. A fine video for one track off the album (or under consideration), "You've Got to Hold On" can be found here - thanks to The Merry Swankster for the link. Something to look forward to next year already.

Category:Music

Parsons Watch - Episode 2

Hoorah - it's Friday, and that can mean only one thing here on See You in 2..., it's time to see what's been going on in the world of Parsons.

Tony Writes:

Let us take a look at the view from the top of Tony's column.

- Only God truly knows how long the police need to hold terror suspects without pressing charges. (Maybe he told George W. - the US have a 7-day period).
- Fiona Bruce is set to hit the big time
- Shop girls are just as good as lawyers. (I think this is meant to be a compliment)

Parsons of the Week:

This is Matt Parsons, a computer programmer. He is known within IT circles as Crazy Matt due to the hi-jinx that he gets upto. Some of his most memorable stunts include:
Switching the monitor leads on his 3 friends' computers (hilarious)
Strawpedoing a bottle of lucozade, followed by a Tab chaser (unhinged)
Asking a girl out on a date (unprecedented)


***Parsons Music Hall of Fame***

This week sees Alan Parsons join inaugral inductee Gram Parsons as a member of the Parsons Music Hall of Fame.



Alan overcame his beard affliction to work on some of the all-time great albums, including Abbey Road and Dark Side of the Moon. However, after working with Wings, Alan got the idea that he too could make his own records and so began his Prog Odyssey, or Progyssey. Albums from his 30 years journeying through synth-landscapes include his interpretations of Poe and Asminov, plus the classic exploration of telephone conversations, Ammonia Avenue.

Today he remains one of the hairiest Parsons in all of rock.


Parsons Word Fact: An anagram of Parsons is "Ass Porn".

He-Man in One of the Best Films Ever!

This one is especially for Mr G. I don't know if you've seen it before (I hadn't), but I think you might enjoy it. Two super quality vids in two days - I'm on fire!



Watch the Movie

There's a couple of sets of ads to get through, but stick with it - its well worth it.

Category:Funny

He-Man Sings!

Reading a friend's blog reminded me of a video that I saw back in September that made me laugh a lot, mixing together beautifully my nostalgia for the mid to late 80s and penchant for ridiculous silliness (as opposed to the none ridiculous kind). Watch it here.

Note to self - must stop using the word penchant

Category:Funny

Sainsburys

One of the great innovations for supermarkets over the past decade or so has been the successful launch of storecards. Whereas before the supermarkets had to go and collect their information through boring market research methods like everyone else, they now have a complete record of everyone's spending trends connected to personal information and population demographics. So they give back a bit (about 1%) - a small price to pay for the economic benefits that having an endlessly analysable set of data brings.

This is hardly ground-breaking stuff, but Sainsbury's latest, and pretty successful, advertising campaign is perhaps the first time that there's been such a blatant use of storecard data. From the information they've garnered from their Nectar card system, Sainsbury's know that a lot of people that are pretty well-off shop in their stores. However, they just keep buying the same old products. Is that an opportunity for a new ad-campaign I see?

Sainsburys decide to tell us, in the nicest possible way, that we are sooo boooring. And there's no denying - stats never lie. They get Jimbo Oliver to use nutmeg on Spag Bol - "Go on" he says "Try it. It's amazingly pukka", like he's giving away the recipe for Ambrosia Custard (living in Devon, I know why it's so creamy - believe me, it should definitely stay secret). The ad works.

However, their radio advert shows that a good idea can be stretched too far. "We know that you boys like your beer", says a young lady, "so with Carling, Carlsberg and John Smiths all on offer, why not try something different?"

Eh? How many men stolidly buy Fosters, eyeing suspiciously those green cans of funny-looking Danish lager? Has anyone ever thought, "Hmmm, I'm going to go crazy and try some heavily processed bitter?" It's such a stupid, stupid advert that I can only think that it was thought up by a tee-total idiot. I can think of no other explanation.

Category:Advert

The Strokes

I seem to be well behind some people on this, but the Strokes have got a new song doing the rounds called Juice Box. The video was shown last night on Channel 4, but for people like me who missed it there and haven't heard it yet might want to mosy over to the recommendable Filter Magazine and have a listen.

Actually having a look around, I see that Jo Whiley had it as a record of the week back in October and the song was available from the Strokes's website back in September.

Ho hum - finger on the musical pulse here.

However, I've wrote this now and I'm going to post it anyway. Opinions on the track/prospects of the album out in 2006 anyone?

Category:Music

Postcard

Mrs P's parents have been on an extended holiday to Australia since late September. During stays with family they've had access to email, and every week or so they relay what they've been up to. However, the email is a bit of a cheat when it comes to holiday correspondence - they look the same wherever they are sent from.

What is required is a pictorial representation of the country or area that the tourist is staying in. The picture should say "Look how beautiful it is where we are. We know that you are having cold, wet weather, so look at the blue skies and sun-licked world famous sights and imagine for a couple of seconds that you are somewhere else". Hence the invention of the pictoral postcard in ages of yore.

Today we received a postcard from Mrs Ps parents. It was slightly disappointing, thus:



The postcard fails on a number of counts.

1. It could be from anywhere - if I was to hazard a guess I would have said Beaulieu in Hampshire or one of those rubbishy theme parks that is used to advertise Westcountry weather.
2. It hardly shows off Australia - Sydney Harbour Bridge, the Opera House, Ayres Rock, etc. etc. No. The back end of some cars at a Car Museum.
3. It's inside. Therefore, I feel no jealousy over the weather - it looks like the kind of thing that I would have ended up doing with my family on a typical British summer's day in the early/mid-90s.
4. It's not even a good picture of some cars.

On the postcard Mrs Ps mum states "Lovely scenery" and "Weather is sunny and warm", and that the "car museum was empty wherever we go."

Adventures in the Sandford Quiz - No 2

So Sunday saw the second of our attempts to generate some curry money for a pre-christmas meal.

After a slow start in Trivia and History rounds, we hit the quiz jackpot with a jokered 12 point music round, doubling up to 24. We then played it safe in the last few rounds to cruise home with a 4 1/2 point vistory. However, our dominating second in-a-row win didn't bring with it the addulation of the rest of the pub, but a rather significant amount of abuse. This made our victory all the sweeter and we shall return in a fortnight to complete our hat-trick.

Reduced prize money (Helen was absent and replaced with a sub) meant we only added £10 to the curry fund, now totalling £26.

To this weeks quiz awards:

* The "Would Never of Got That" Award 32 (How many times around the world would all of the fish fingers ever sold wrap?)
* The "Why Won't You Listen to Me" Award for Most Ignored Answers Subsitute Chrissie, three overuled answers (Longleat, Chameleon, 175 years)
* The "Where Did That Come From" Award Gary again for Sir Francis Chichester - knighted in 1967 with the same sword as Sir Francis Drake
* The Big Al "Are You Sure" Award Allen for Leonardo DiCaprio in identifying the picture below of an Olympian turned Actor. He was pretty certain until the real answer of Johnny Weismuller, Tarzan actor, was given. Our written answer of Marlon Brando wasn't much better, but at least it was in the right era. Allen claims to have 20-20 vision.

Cartoon of the Week - No. 3

Pearls Before Swine provide this week's cartoon.



I like the reference to "stupid" blogging from the excellently mean Rat character, but more so I like the crocodiles inability to work a computer. Inability with computers always makes me chuckle - if you're of a certain age then they are a really alien technology, so perhaps it's a bit cruel to poke fun, but where's the fun in that?

So special mention to a friend of Mrs P's parents who phoned up to enquire if he used coloured fonts in Word, would the ink in his monitor run out? And to Mrs P's mum, who picked up the mouse and pointed it at the monitor like a remote control and said "Why isn't this working?". Ho ho.

Category: Cartoon

Wolf Parade and Assorted Music Stuff

After the strange 15 minutes that caused me to write the previous post late yesterday afternoon, I thought I would do a posting of a more serious nature.

Today I finally got the Wolf Parade album that I ordered well over a week ago. Hailing from Montreal, Wolf Parade have predictabily been hailed as the new Arcade Fire, which seems ridiculous considering the Fire were virtually unheard of 12 months ago.

Produced by Modest Mouse's Issac Brock, the album "Apologies to the Queen Mary" has picked up some rave reviews, including the hard to please Pitchfork, plus a great deal of hype on the US music scene. However, away from all that in merry-old England, the album just sounds great.

Second bit of music concerns Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah!, who despite not having released anything here yet (I don't think) get a Guardian article punning up there name. They've been a real word of mouth success, selling a shed load of albums from there own website before they even got signed. Anyway, they've already sold out half of the gigs of their current Eurotour - although for those lucky enough to live in Nottingham (damn you, lucky James), Cardiff, Glasgow or Liverpool they should be well worth going to see.

Finally, today I feel a whole load older. People over 26 turn away now because I know that there's nothing worst than reading about someone younger than you moaning about how old they feel. This morning I read an Arcade Fire review, from the previously mentioned Uncut Top 50 Albums. Win Butler, lead singer and group leader, was born in 1981. Nineteen. Eighty. One. He is two years younger than me. Now I know this shouldn't suprise me, but it really does - Arcade Fire's music sounds so accomplished and developed that I kind of thought he might be a bit older than me.

Category:Music

Parsons Watch

Welcome to the one-stop stop for all things Parsons that could well become weekly: Parsons Watch.

Tony Writes:

Some earth-shaking journalistic insights from Tony's column.

- 112 is a difficult number to remember
- The British cherish failure over success. You want examples, Tony's got them: Eddie the Eagle beats Fred Perry, Charge of the Light Brigade beats Falklands, Simon Dee beats David Frost. QED.
- Fiona Phillips embodies how the UK built a large empire.

Parsons of the Week:


This is Michael Parsons. Professor Michael Parsons, if you don't mind. In 2003 he won the Webb medal for his contributions to ship building. Good for him.

Parsons in Music

This week Gram Parsons the father of alt country-rock. I bought one of his albums just because he was called Parsons. That and I have a not-so-secret-now penchant for country music. Like many people called Parsons, Gram struggled with bad hairstyling before his untimely death (unrelated).

Apparently Gram was born Cecil Ingram Connors, but he still qualifies for the inaugural "Parsons in Music".


Parsons Word Fact: Parsons spelt backwards is Snosrap. This was my dad's nickname at school, so don't tease him about it or he might hit you. Not that he's a violent man.

9 Songs

A friend of mine (who I shall refer to throughout this post as Mr A) came round to my house to help with some rubble-removal. After the kind of strenuous effort that is uncommon to a PhD student, Mr A said, "Me and the missus are going to enjoy a film evening tonight. I'm just going to pop down to the video shop before I go home".

When he gets back I ask him what film he got out.

"Oh, its an exploration of the development of a young couples relationship, soundtracked by modern rock bands."

"Sounds interesting, what's it called?"

"Nine songs, or something."

"Nine Songs?? You do realise that is basically arthouse porn? There is barely a storyline and it contains an unprecedented amount of graphic sex for a British movie." Now for some reason I know a lot about this film, despite never having seen it, nor having sought out information about it.

"Oh really?" Replies Mr A, with mock suprise. "I did not know that. I thought it was just about music, with some relationship stuff for Ms A."

Believing that he had genuinely selected the film with good intentions, I wished him luck in explaining to his girlfriend that he had innocently selected a porn film. On the Monday I found out that Ms A hadn't been too impressed, had reprimanded Mr A and had banned him from ever selecting a film again. I offered my commiserations for what I believed was an honest mistake.

Now I'm not so sure.

Last night I went to the video shop and saw the DVD of 9 Songs on the shelf. I started to question Mr A's innoncence. Firstly, its cover photo is of a young lady in the throes of passion, thus:

Ok, so you may gather that the film is a bit passionate. However, a bigger clue can be found emblazoned across the front of this picture."The Most Explicit British Movie EVER!!!", screams some critic. In addition, 2 identical stickers had been placed on the DVD case stating "WARNING: This film contains scenes of an Extremely Explicit Nature". Consider yourself rumbled, Mr A.

Of course, I had to borrow the film so that I could finish off this posting with some kind of comment. There seemed little point to it - the film aims for profundity (with some really cringy quotes), but this just highlights the fact that it says hardly anything about relationships (a crap analogy to Antartica, anyone?). However, it did remind me that I dislike the band Elbow. The sex was pretty explicit, although it was more a "I can't believe this got past the censors" kind-of-thing rather than adding anything to the film. And the female character was the most annoying that I've seen in a film for quite a while. Maybe even back to The Film I Cannot Mention.

Category:Film

Uncut Magazine

The indications that Christmas is coming have started appearing. At the end of summer, Dingles in town set-up their Christmas tree (they're gonna stop bothering to take it down soon), articles about Christmas lights have started appearing in the local rag and there's a dirth of rubbish adverts on the tele. Unlike some people though, it doesn't really bother me.

However, something that did shock me was Uncut magazine publishing their top 50 albums of the year. Spying the magazine on a recent trip to Somerfields I double-took, comically so. How is it possible to write a top 50 sometime during mid-October? They're going to have to write off nearly a quarter of the year's releases.

But I did buy the darned thing. Why? Because they're actually pretty right (i.e. they agree with me). Arcade Fire at No. 1, Sufjan Stevens at No 2. and Dylan at 3. OK., calling songs first recorded by Bob nearly 50 years ago one of the best new albums may be pushing it, but it is the Year of the Dylan, so I'll forgive them that. In addition there are placings for my other favorites Bright Eyes, Smog, Franz and SFA.

To be honest I'm a sucker for lists, as mentioned previously, and the top albums of the year is one I'm always going to follow. I'd just prefer it if it contained all of the albums from the year. And agreed with me.

Category:Music

Playstation

The advert: A woman ventures from her bed into the lounge of her flat, still wearing the clothes from the night before. She is ashen faced and her eyes are hollow. The grey lighting tells us she's feeling the full effects of a night of horrible excess.

She surveys the room, shame and pain restricting her to using only one eye. Before her the aftermath of a particularly destructive party - scenes maybe not shown in an advert since the days of the Yellow Pages. Chairs lie upturned and snacks are strewn across the beer-sodden carpet.

Then the flashbacks start.

She's dancing on the table. She's screaming down a karaoke mike. She's gyrating in front of her friends who look on shocked and embarrassed. She grabs her head, but she cannot stop the broken memories of her behaviour from the night before.

At this point I'm thinking this must be another advert from the Frank campaign - the latest anti-drug series of adverts (Their website has an interesting game where you give drugs to a teenager). Behold youngster, see the danger of drugs and excess alcohol.

But wait, it's a Playstation advert.

I attended a party on Saturday that involved a similar (if slightly tamer) use of the Playstation - I think that one of the games from the advert was used where tunes had to be guessed. And let me tell you, it was rubbish. It was like playing guess the ringtone. (Ok, I lost, but that's not the point).

Playing the thing sober must be pretty damn dull - and maybe Playstation realise this. They aren't going to lie to us the consumer, they're going to tell it like it is. The only way you're going to wring any enjoyment from these overpriced pieces of plastic is by supplementing it with a considerable amount of alcohol. It's basically a serving suggestion.

Category:Advert

At Least They Were From A Northern Culture

The Express and Echo is host to a load of bad, bad, letters. Here is a selection.

• A letter from the USA

Adventures in the Sandford Quiz

Our quest - To raise enough money for a curry.

• Quiz 4
• Quiz 3
• Quiz 2
• Quiz 1

Parsons Watch

Everything in the world of Parsons. Hoorah!

• Episode 4
• Episode 3
• Episode 2
• Episode 1

Mobile Phones

I know that moaning about the proliferation of the mobile phone into our daily lives is sooo 2002, but there's a guy in the hallway outside my room who's been chatting away for the best part of 30 mins on speakerphone.

I can only think of three reasons why you want to talk on speakerphone in a public place.
1) You want to put the person on the other end of the phone in an embarrassing and possibly damaging position by broadcasting what they are saying to all and sundry.
2) You're so lazy you can't be bothered to lift your hand to your ear.
3) You think that your converstation is oh-so interesting that everyone wants to hear it.

I'm gonna count out number 2 because the guy is walking about. Therefore, you'd think this chap must have a desire for other people to hear what his friend is saying to him. So I stop my lunchtime dose of Bob Dylan and listen in.

And what do I find they're talking about?

Computer Science modules. For half an hour these guys have been discussing prerequisites, timetabling and course tutors. No scandal, slander or even swearing. Just chatting about the merits of taking COM2042 over COM2035.

Now I'm a rational man, but if they don't quit soon, to quote Bart - "Homer, better start diggin' some nerd holes."

They've stopped talking now. And relax...

Panasonic

It's a fact of living in an affluent, consumeristic nation that we are presented with adverts that try to entice us into buying luxury items that are, to a large majority, unobtainably expensive (huge widescreen plasma televisions, brand new BMWs, Australia) or that we have little need for (a Dire Straits best of, 4x4 off road vehicles, IBM computer servers).

The latest Panasonic advert successfully manages to combine the two. What are they advertising? An MRI scanner. Admitedly I don't have much need for magnetic resonance imaging equipment, but the advert makes it look so enticing, damn it.

I guess there's always Christmas.

Category:Advert

Cartoon of the Week - No. 2

This week a contribution from Speed Bump. It's not that funny, but as anyone who has been married to me knows, I like control of the remote. In fact I demand it.



Channel hopping is an art, like web surfing, and a experienced hopper is able to watch 3 or more programmes simultaneously, successfully not knowing what is going on in any of them. Sadly, it often will grow into an affliction and an addiction. Perfectly good programmes are shunned, just in case there is something else better on. Often it is known nothing else is on, but due to the medical condition Hoppicus Thumb, the sufferer will find they are helplessly caught in a cycle of unfinished programmes, hanging punchlines and half-heard choruses.

So at this time of year with the new autumn season of tv shows upon us, please consider those affected by this condition and donate to a worthy cause.

Category: Cartoon

Mark Kermode Film Reviews

I'm a big fan of Mark Kermode's film reviews - especially when he's a-ranting, like today against Elizabethtown. And the great thing is if you've missed it on Simon Mayo's Friday show on 5Live, you can listen to it again, or Podcast it, here.

Category: film

Sunsilk

If you're a Christian, I think I'm right in saying that you believe in a loving and merciful God. Now the whole concept of Christianity raises a compendium of questions, and maybe in the top 10 is, "Hey, if He's so loving, why does bad stuff happen to good people?". It's a fair point and one that theologans and philosophers have considered for many years.

But now, I think, we may have an answer.

The Big Guy has begun a taking up a few advertising jobs. Who can blame him. Congregation takings are down, so he thinks to himself, "Hmm, if that Kerry Katona can get an advertising gig, just think how much money I could pull in. And that reminds me, the Iceland advert angers me, I must add it to my 'To Smite List.'"

He sends out his agent, expecting big pay outs. But what does his (now smote) agent get him? A crappy hair product called Sunsilk.

A woman is applying some chemical foam to her noggin. "Don't do it like that," booms the Lord, thinking back to the days when he used that voice to dish out commandments, "Put the mousse on a comb and pull it through the hair." You can hear the shame in his voice, "What have I come to", he asks himself, "I'm no better than Sharon Osbourne. Which remainds me I must add that Asda advert to my 'To Smite List'".

At the end of the month the pay cheque rolls in and eases the pain, as does some good old-fashioned smiting, but the real damage has been done elsewhere. Whilst the Good Lord has been learning his lines and sitting around on sets, he's taken his eyes off the game. He's done a Beckham and let external commitments get in the way of the job at hand.

Adverts solve another of the great questions.

Category:Advert

Wade Punches Kemp, Gets Arrested

This has to be my favorite news story of the week so far. Rebecca Wade (editor of the loathsome Sun newspaper) has been arrested for assaulting her husband, TV's hardman Ross Kemp. Read about it here and here. And here is a discussion on the Sun's recent campaign against, er, domestic violence.

Category: News

Bisto Night

I guess the new Bisto campaign is quite clever, in a Jamie Oliver kind of way (If that's not an oxymoron - only kidding, you're alright Jamie). Like Jimmy and his school dinners, Bisto have taken it on themselves to save British society from itself by getting everyone to pledge that they will spend one night a week having a proper meal with their family. It might buy them some time on Richard and Judy, and it's gimmicky enough to garner some press. There may even be some important issues that it raises about the state of the family unit and its role in a child's development, but that's a bit serious and has no place on this blog.

The ad itself tries to feature typical family members that we can identify with: Professional, tower block resident, farmer bloke, skater kids, two types of nerd, and some chavs. They read out a kind of vow. It's OK.

But the best bit is that Bisto have created a website to back it up. Here you can download a declaration-come-certificate that you can get your family to sign. Maybe you could turn it into a kind-of swearing in ceremony. (Wow, it was a year ago Bush won the US election - I can't believe it. That he won, that is.)

It gets better. Bisto have created a form so you can email a plea to your family members to join you for your family meal.

"Dear Father.
You are cordially invited to an evening meal with your family on Tuesday 1st December. Please bring a dessert, preferably complimentable with gravy.
Yours Sincerely,
Rory.
RSVP"

There is something inherently wrong with your family if you need to email members to arrange a meal time, and I don't think a tub of dehydrated chemicals is going to solve it.

Obviously, on signing the declaration, you agree to use Bisto in all your meals. Read the small print. But surely there is a limit to how many times you can have meat and two veg? Fear not, because Bisto also offer some family meal ideas, like Cheesy Tortillas. That's good eatin'.

Finally, this is as good an excuse as any to feature a funny letter from letterbomb.


Category:Advert

Adventures in the Sandford Quiz - 1

I like regularly occuring aspects of blogs - it means that every so often I have an easy posting to make. Hence the "Comic of the Week" posting on Mondays. Today I've decided to add a second regular update - Adventures in the Sandford Quiz (ASQ).

On Sunday our team of four (Me, Helen and our Sandford based friends Allen and Catherine) won outright the Rose and Crown Quiz by 1/2 a point. It was nailbiting excitement all the way. We decided to pool our £16 winnings and put them towards a meal at the Crediton Tandoori on the weekend before Christmas. Therefore, we now have 3 more quizzes to top up our food-fund. How much will we end up with? Stay tuned to find out.

Here's last Sunday's quiz awards.

Best Crossed Out Answer of the Week: Swede for Turnip (Pre-pumpkin halloween veg.).
The "Where Did that Answer Come From?" Award: Catherine for her answer "Condoms" (Provided free to prisoners this week).
The Glad We Didn't Change It Award: Gary sticking to his guns with The British Empire (Largest ever empire).
The Allen Alexander "Are Your Sure About That?" Award - Allen for "Spandau Ballet" (in answer to the cryptic clue "Picture House Tune". He nearly convinced us Spandau was German slang for Cinema, but luckily inspiration hit and Gary got the correct answer "Roxy Music").

And finally, an episode from Sandford and Area Quizzes greatest hits. This week, a "You Wot???" moment from a sports round at The Lamb.

Question: Where were the 1998 Winter Olympics held?
Quizmaster's Answer: Syria.

Unsuprisingly, everyone got it wrong.

Cowboy Tour Guides

When I was younger, I used to enjoy the Top 10 of Everything books. They would list things like the 10 Least Stressful Jobs (No.1 - Lecturer), Top 10 Baked Bean Consumers (No. 1 - Ireland) and Top 10 Worst Films Ever (No.1 - Love Actually). Such a reference book would have been useful on our recent trip to Cambridge.

Look at the following picture.



Now, can anyone tell me what the building on the left is?

Perhaps the more astute reader may have already noticed that I mentioned we were in Cambridge, and it doesn't take an architect to correctly identify it as a chapel. If you attended Cambridge University, visited there or possess a certain level of general knowledge, you might have even correctly named it as King's College Chapel. If you did, well done - top marks.

As this photo was being taken, a punt was passing on the river Cam that flows through the college grounds. This punt was a guided tour and at this point in the tour the guide announced:

"And here we can see King's College Chapel, the 10th most recognisable building in the World".

I didn't have my Top 10 of Everything 1991 to hand, but if I did, I would wager that under the section labelled "Top 10 Most Recognisable Buildings in the World", King's College's Chapel wouldn't have been making an appearance. I very much doubt it would even break the Top 10 for the British Isles. Maybe it would have made it into "The Top 10 Most Recognisable Buildings Viewable From a Punt Guided By a Lying Student", I don't know - I'll have to look it up.

The fact is this punter was abusing the tour guide - guidee relationship. The people in his punt didn't laugh or scoff at his statement. No eyebrows were furrowed, nor even raised. They seemed to take it as stated, most probably because they were under the belief that as a tour guide, this man must know what he's talking about.

Whether this expose will be featured on the next series of BBC 1's Rouge Tour Guides with Fiona Bruce, I don't know - I guess it's pretty likely - but until then, just be aware.

Broken News

Broken News, debuting last night on BBC2 at 9:30, is a new comedy satarising the rolling and bulletin news that seems to have multiplied across our TV networks over the past decade at rate comparable to that of Tomato Flu. The show features a load of spoof news channels that are blatant pastiches of the BBC, ITN, Fox and local news reports.

I'm no TV reviewer, but I knows what I like and I really enjoyed this show. It'll be interesting to see if it can maintain interest over the rest of the series; the programme watches a bit like an impression show and ultimately there has to be strong material behind the initial laughs raised by the gimmick (a problem I have with Bremner, Dead Ringers and the dire McGowen). However, in the meantime, its punches at the news organisations were all spot on (BBC guy outside Greek hospital, ITV's stand up news, BBC3's 15 seconds, etc.)

My favorite has to be "Look Out East", which is so close to local news reporting if you chanced upon the show you might be fooled. Writing material for this segemnt must be easy - just watch the real thing. Which nicely leads to a cherished memory of mine of a Westcountry news report (a lunch time bulletin) from earlier this millennium. The top stories were:

• Cornish school children plant 12 daffodils for Princess Diana (This was two and half years after her death),
  
• A man had fitted a motor into a sofa and would be driving it around the roads of South Devon and Dorset the coming weekend,
  
• A family of ducks were causing minor hold ups on a B-road in Cornwall because they had crossed the road - twice.
  

I just love those stories - all 100% true. You couldn't make it up.

Cartoon of the Week - No. 1

The first cartoon of the week is from Dilbert and concerns PhD people, and in particular Management/Engineering PhDs. With facial hair.

This is who I will become. Mwahahahahaha.

It's funny because it is true.

Comics

Although it may be hard for some people to believe, when I was younger I was a little bit nerdy - geeky, if you will. I look back on some episodes in my life with a certain level of embarrassment and, in some cases, I find I have blanked them out completely. (Fellow experiencers of geeky episodes may find solice here. And everyone else can laugh at their patheticism.)

During a rambling conversation whilst on a recent trip to Cambridge with Helen (my wife) to visit our friend Catherine, a long forgotten memory concerning public renditions of (very) dubious 90's dance tunes was uncovered. Painful. Even those who know me best know only the tip of the proverbial iceberg, and that's the way it must remain.

Over the past decade, that side of me has been surpressed and today I try to keep my nerding to a minimum. However, a lapse a few years ago did result in an X-factor style competition involving a number of daily cartoon strips. I'm not proud of it, and there is no way I will divulge the details - let's just say Excel was involved.

As a result of this procrastination, I ended up with a number of cartoons that I follow daily. From these I have chosen some of my favorites to kind of get a "Cartoon of the Week", which I will try to update regularly. The first is in the following post.

Now let us never speak of the geeking again...

Falling Out of Love

This weekend brought the final realisation that one of the longest relationships I've had has come to an end. The break-up has been protracted - I've known for a number of years that I just didn't feel the same way as I used to, but I continued to go through the motions. Sure, there were still times of excitement and I convinced myself I still cared, but this weekend I knew it was over.

I no longer loved football, and more specifically, Manchester United.

Since 1987 I had been a United supporter. I followed them from the lows of the late 80s, through the giddy climb to the treble winning season of 1999. It wasn't always easy. United, more than any other team, generate irrational derision from the supporters of other teams. When I was at secondary school I would have to endure Monday mornings knowing that the defeat of the weekend would be scrawled over the form room blackboard. (A coca-cola cup defeat to York was the worst.)

But I didn't care - I was obsessed. My teenage walls were covered by the ugly mugs of Pallister, Bruce, Hughes and Irwin. My wardrobe was largely red and black. Relations looking for presents had a large array of sure-winning books and videos to choose from.

However, this weekend I realised that I was no longer bothered. Utd lost 4-1 to Middlesborough. It's not the result that matters, but rather that I didn't care about it.

Football has often been compared to religion, and I guess in some ways it is analogous. Football, like all sport, doesn't matter - what happens on the pitch has no direct effect on the vast majority of people's lives. To be a football fan you just have to believe in your team - it's not rational. There was no reason why I supported a team from a city I have no connection to, but I did - for maybe 7 years they were a really important aspect of my life.

But now, like a Christian who realises they just don't believe, I find that acting as a fan is just a futile charade. Sure, I still enjoy the odd game, and I'm really looking forward to the World Cup, but I'm no longer a football fan.