Crazy, I'm sure you'll agree.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Sunday, March 04, 2007
At Least They Were From A Northern Culture
Phew. I've just finished ironing my shirts. Ironing is a reminder that man's advancements may have meant that he can travel to a big piece of rock thousands of kilometres away, develop communication technology that can bring friends on far off pieces of rock right into your bedroom or invent a hundred different ways to blow up big pieces of rock, but when it comes to getting creases out of cotton, we're only one step up from monkeys. Despite all of the patting of their humped backs that scientists do, the reason they can't sleep at night is that they know they have failed in man's ultimate quest. The making of iron-free fabric.
(Not iron-free as in not having to wear chain mail, as in not needing to be ironed. Oh you got that? Of course you did.)
I have shirts that say "Never Iron", "Ultimate Non-Iron", "Self-Ironing Super Fabric". All these signify is that it only takes me 20 minutes to iron them. If a shirt doesn't label itself as such, then it means that not only will it take me a Sunday morning to press the thing, but the moment I turn my back it will conspire to become more creased then an Origamist's napkin at a napkin folding contest. And having followed the recent NFC world championships, I can tell you that is freakin' creasy.
Anywho, tonight I return to the E&E and the strip club story. Wednesday night's paper was a bit of a classic, and I feel lucky to have picked it up considering how little time I have spent on it in recent months. Karma no doubt for my all round wholesome lifestyle and uncontrollable goodness and generosity. Aside from today's featured letter, page 3 held a gripping story worthy of Sherlock Holmes. Devon man Miles Hull allegedly stole a £10 note from his Aunt. "He spent up to two hours in her flat and during that time he went through the cupboards in the kitchen and found a £10 note." explained the prosecuting Mr Crabb. Miles was mean and unpleasant. The trial continues.
No wonder the police have to use toilets in MacDonald's to keep prisoners if this "crime" makes it to court. Why not stick Miles on a repayment scheme of 20p a week for a year and be done with it? I reckon there must be more to it - it sounds like one of those minor crimes that the police use to get a master criminal when they know none of the big stuff will stick. Perhaps Miles is really the kingpin in the big Exmouth halibut trafficking scene.
As I was saying the other evening, the main story that has drawn correspondents to the E&E letters page is the opening of a new strip club on the Quay. As to be expected, there is a load of people denouncing it as evil in its purest form. These people make Mary Whitehouse look like John Leslie's more debauched elder sister. People like Margaret Laing who "prays for the closure of the club." This will surely finally pin God down on how he feels about the whole stripping thing - let's give Him a year and if it's still going I think Margaret will have a sign that her Lord is with Peter Stringfellow. She also adds, insightfully:
"We are not dogs."
I can only assume she is thinking of lap dogs.
However, maybe surprisingly there is an equal number of people willing to defend the new establishment. These men unashamedly pronounce their feverant excitement about the coming club. It is also interesting that a more than usual number of these letters are posted, which would suggest these guys haven't discovered the internet where, I have been reliably informed, naked women can be found in not insignifcant numbers.
The toppermost of these letters was from Dave Robinson. The great orators have known how to pick a pertinent quote that cuts to the center of an argument, rendering their position stronger through the use of some past great's words. Dave knows this and brings to the table two lines that for me are the be-all and end-all of the strip club argument. So stand aside Churchill and M.L.K.:
Finally, I must object to the harsh criticism of the dancers themselves.
In the words of American rapper Wyclef Jean: "Just 'cuz she dances go-go, that don't make her a ho, no."
The girls are simply stunners, proud of their bodies and keeping fit in a profitable way.
I can't wait for the opening. I'll definitely be a regular.
Wyclef maybe gone - till November at least - but his words are still providing hope and strength to dirty young men everywhere.
(Not iron-free as in not having to wear chain mail, as in not needing to be ironed. Oh you got that? Of course you did.)
I have shirts that say "Never Iron", "Ultimate Non-Iron", "Self-Ironing Super Fabric". All these signify is that it only takes me 20 minutes to iron them. If a shirt doesn't label itself as such, then it means that not only will it take me a Sunday morning to press the thing, but the moment I turn my back it will conspire to become more creased then an Origamist's napkin at a napkin folding contest. And having followed the recent NFC world championships, I can tell you that is freakin' creasy.
Anywho, tonight I return to the E&E and the strip club story. Wednesday night's paper was a bit of a classic, and I feel lucky to have picked it up considering how little time I have spent on it in recent months. Karma no doubt for my all round wholesome lifestyle and uncontrollable goodness and generosity. Aside from today's featured letter, page 3 held a gripping story worthy of Sherlock Holmes. Devon man Miles Hull allegedly stole a £10 note from his Aunt. "He spent up to two hours in her flat and during that time he went through the cupboards in the kitchen and found a £10 note." explained the prosecuting Mr Crabb. Miles was mean and unpleasant. The trial continues.
No wonder the police have to use toilets in MacDonald's to keep prisoners if this "crime" makes it to court. Why not stick Miles on a repayment scheme of 20p a week for a year and be done with it? I reckon there must be more to it - it sounds like one of those minor crimes that the police use to get a master criminal when they know none of the big stuff will stick. Perhaps Miles is really the kingpin in the big Exmouth halibut trafficking scene.
As I was saying the other evening, the main story that has drawn correspondents to the E&E letters page is the opening of a new strip club on the Quay. As to be expected, there is a load of people denouncing it as evil in its purest form. These people make Mary Whitehouse look like John Leslie's more debauched elder sister. People like Margaret Laing who "prays for the closure of the club." This will surely finally pin God down on how he feels about the whole stripping thing - let's give Him a year and if it's still going I think Margaret will have a sign that her Lord is with Peter Stringfellow. She also adds, insightfully:
"We are not dogs."
I can only assume she is thinking of lap dogs.
However, maybe surprisingly there is an equal number of people willing to defend the new establishment. These men unashamedly pronounce their feverant excitement about the coming club. It is also interesting that a more than usual number of these letters are posted, which would suggest these guys haven't discovered the internet where, I have been reliably informed, naked women can be found in not insignifcant numbers.
The toppermost of these letters was from Dave Robinson. The great orators have known how to pick a pertinent quote that cuts to the center of an argument, rendering their position stronger through the use of some past great's words. Dave knows this and brings to the table two lines that for me are the be-all and end-all of the strip club argument. So stand aside Churchill and M.L.K.:
Finally, I must object to the harsh criticism of the dancers themselves.
In the words of American rapper Wyclef Jean: "Just 'cuz she dances go-go, that don't make her a ho, no."
The girls are simply stunners, proud of their bodies and keeping fit in a profitable way.
I can't wait for the opening. I'll definitely be a regular.
Wyclef maybe gone - till November at least - but his words are still providing hope and strength to dirty young men everywhere.
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