Nurofen

For months now there've been loads of Christmas adverts, but a recent addition of a traditional seasonal advertiser has sneaked in, and although on the surface it might not appear so, it is as Christmas an advert as Kerry Katona cracking a sub-cracker level joke about frozen birds.

The beauty of the Nurofen advert (for I think it is they) is that it is trying to advertise against what its biggest selling point is. In their advert they have a man sawing logs, with infra-red showing the pain he is feeling in his arm. Significant red areas demonstrate that a woman is experience burning agony in her lower back as she lifts heavy bags into the back of her saloon car. The solution is to take Nurofen. Job done.

Thing is, the significant jump in sales of painkillers has nothing to do with the fact that we are carrying more shopping or, er, chopping more wood (I think this was the most seasonal thing that the advertisers could come up with that men might do that would cause them pain.)

Ha, good try. The reason we buy a load Nurofen, ibroprofen, paracetamol, asprin, Anadin and Alka Seltzer, put them in a blender with half a pint of egg nog and knock it back in one is because we are hungover. We are hurting due to our own lack of self-control. We are experiencing the kind of head-splitting pain that can only result from 4 parts excessive alcohol, 2 parts over eating and 3 parts excruciating half-memory involving one of your shoes, a kebab, the neighbour's letterbox and the cry "Now to put the turkey in the oven".

I know it. You know it. Even educated fleas know it. And some of them aren't even that smart. But Nurofen continue this charade. And who can blame them? They are a serious, grown-up painkiller. They don't want to admit their principle users are the weak of will, the sunken-eyed indulgist, the sod-headed office oaf. And we don't want to admit it either. Everyone is happy.

Jack Shen 2

You know sometimes there is something really important that you want to do and you think to yourself "I must do that" but the only times you think of doing it are when you are not in an appropriate place to do it? Sure you do. Like downloading Cliff Richard's "Devil Woman" or checking the oil in your car or releasing those hostages you took back in the late 80s. Well that's what keeps happening to me with our friend Jack Chan.

About a year ago I stumbled upon a troubled man, Mr Jack Chen. Remind yourself here. I kept meaning to find out how he's getting on, but was never at my computer. Until this evening.

For those of you who can't be bothered to click the above link, Jack was dumped by his girlfriend. Like for many people, this was hard for Jack to take. Unlike many people, Jack decided to document his pain and anger through a blog containing his attempts to win back his sweetheart via the tried and trusted methods of epic, rambling poetry and posting pictures of month old tear-soaked tissues.

Like anyone who has a heart, I found this Hi-larious and couldn't wait to see how the old boy was getting on. But wait, the old link no longer worked! Nooooooo!

However, I didn't spend 5 years surfing the web for nothing (or perhaps I did). After a few well aimed searches, I found him again. Hoorah! Click here, post-haste.

The year started off hard on Jack - his valentine gift of two dolls modelled on him and his ex-squeeze appear to have remained in their box. Then came the classic posting "My Best Friend Is Alcohol..." followed by the reminiscing on the "Love Book", written by their personalised pens. As Jack says "Why would u close the Chapter of our "Love Book" with sure bad ending??? The person that get hurt the most is ME!!! Cruel that i would described U!!!" Touching.

Following a couple of new poems (I think "The Unforgiven Love" is perhaps his masterpiece) and some rather withering remarks on his ex's new boyfriend ("The Loser"), there is light at the end of the tunnel. Jack has a new girlfriend. Hooray!

But hold on there young mustang. I feel there is reason to be cautious. Firstly, Jack's introductory posting on this new lady starts with how long in years, months and days it is since he broke up with his old one. Secondly he constructs of 100 reasons why he loves his new girl (but stops at 58.5). This is worrying enough, and closer inspection does nothing to allay my fears. For example:

12. I fall for u cause u r a real dumbo!
32. I fall for u cause u r a little piglet.
33. I fall for u cause u look real dumb at times.
41. I fall for u cause i have met someone that will disturb me.

Now it's been a while since I've been courting, but I'm pretty sure none of these phrases would impress the farier. To test this I am going to try them out on Mrs P - results to follow shortly!

The Worst Book I've Ever Read

Hooray! I've just completed the worst book I've ever read: The Fourth K by Mario Puzo. This incredible book has THE worst plot ever. Allow me to outline it for you:

* The President's daughter is kidnapped
* The Pope is shot dead
* The President's daughter is shot dead
* The President (who is a Kennedy relation) responds by bombing an entire city to ashes in some small Middle Eastern state. Totally and utterly destroys it. But don't worry, it was leafleted 24 hours earlier, so the only losers were the fat cat American investors. Hoorah!
* Two wizz kid scientists blow up a nuclear bomb in the middle of New York. Kennedy's assistant lets them do it so that Kennedy can win a second term
* 50 pages are spent on the President's new girlfriend
* 75 pages are spent on a mormon who is a bit wierd and good at shooting cardboard cutouts
* Some people have some sex
* Kennedy wins a second term. He is the most liberal President ever
* Kennedy proposes to set up labour camps in Alaska with the plan of forcing the inmates and the next few generations of their family to stay up there
* Kennedy passes an 99.9% perfect lie detector about the nuclear bomb, which he knew about
* Kennedy gets shot dead by the mormon

I don't really have much more to say about it then that. I don't think I have to. Awful.